How to be popular and make people like you - Introduction!

Introduction

Firstly, thank you for visiting my blog, you have made a great decision! I am absolutely convinced that by following the various steps on this site you will begin to notice, almost immediately, that people will start to act differently around you. The crazy thing is that it really isn’t that difficult to be popular and make people like you. You just need to be aware of the skills and tricks that popular people use all time – usually without them even realising it.

I want to say upfront that I do not have a degree in ‘being popular’ and I am not a professor of social interaction. In fact, I am just an ordinary guy. But throughout my life, and I say this with all modesty, I have often been told that 'everyone likes me'. Hopefully that didn’t sound too arrogant, but rather self-assured and confident. The thing is, I know people like me and importantly, I know why. The truth is that it is actually really simple and easy to be liked. Perhaps you may be thinking at this point, well obviously you are just one of those naturally popular people, I can never be like that. Well, that's simply not true. Being liked by people is something that can be learned and is achievable by using some simple techniques. In this book I am going to share with you the best tips and specific advice that I have received and learned over the last number of years.

Obviously every person is different and in a book like this it is impossible to take into consideration the unlimited number of different contexts to your life (such as your personal history, the different social groups that you mix with, your job etc). But I can assure you that if you commit to following the advice in this book properly, you will almost certainly see your popularity grow.

I urge you to not give up or skip any of the techniques if you are finding it difficult or if it becomes hard work. If this stuff doesn't come natural to you, keep at it! Positive change requires hard-work and some serious investment of your time and energy. But that’s not to say that this process isn’t fun and rewarding!

Since I intend for each blog post to be 'to the point' and without without pointless filler, let’s dive straight into the techniques. Hopefully you will find this book highly practical. Some of the steps may appear too simple and easy, but I assure you, each of them are important and will make a huge and noticeable difference. 

If you are serious about this, go to step 1 which all about how you can control how you are perceived by others.

How to be Popular - Step 1: Control How You Are Perceived By Others

Step 1: Control How You Are Perceived By Others

Did you know that it is possible to control how you perceived by others? How you are perceived is, of course, a significant contributing factor determining your popularity.

 A lot people can make a great first impression completely naturally and unaware of what they are doing but there are others who fully know what they are doing and are using simple learned techniques that influence that first encounter.

Have you ever had a great boss at work or a really popular teacher at school? Well they were probably not popular by accident. ‘How to be influential’ courses have become very popular with boardroom directors and bosses in recent years to help them to motivate their work forces, but those principles can apply to everyday life too! So controlling perception is important in making people like you and here are some techniques and skills that you can use to high effect.

Appearing Confident is King!

The number one way to control perception of yourself is through how confident you appear to others. You may be thinking at this point, ‘well being confident is easier said than done. I am generally not a very confident person and I certainly do not feel confident’. Well, perhaps you do not feel very confident – but does that matter? Can people read your mind? No, of course they can't.

An important thing to remember, and I will expand on this later, is that people are generally very self-centred (not too be confused with selfish). Most people are too focused on themselves to really notice if you pretending to be confident or not. Besides, if you appear more confident, over time you will start to feel more confident. Having confidence is hugely important to how you are judged by others. So how can you be more confident?

Practical Application: How to appear more confident.

1.                  Eye Contact – Let's start with the toughest one. Maintaining eye contact. By looking someone in the eyes when talking to them tells that person that you are feeling comfortable about the situation. That you are happy to be talking to them and feel confident enough to handle a simple conversation. Eye contact essentially helps to build a connection between you and the other person. When making eye contact, swap from eye to eye occasionally as to not look like you are staring. Just the right amount of eye contact, will make you appear sure of yourself. Give it a go – in your very next conversation with someone, I want you to make sure you look them in the eye and be sure that you are the last to look away. Force yourself if you have too! Doing this maybe tough at first, but it will begin to feel more natural to you the more you practise it.

2.                  Smile! It's amazing how much a smile can do. Think about the last person you spoke to that had a big smile on their face. How did it make you feel? Happy, trusting even? How did it make you feel about that person – you probably liked them right? As they say, a smile doesn't cost you anything. Nobody likes to be around a person that is always miserable, that is always ready to grumble or moan about something. With a smile you can instantly, and without saying a word, tell everyone you speak to that you are not a person that is going to mentally drain them. The next person you see or speak to, smile at them and see what happens. Smiling makes you instantly more likeable.

3.           Don’t mumble! Speak clearly and loudly but not too loudly! Taking the time to speak clearly and at a reasonable volume level will tell your listener again that you are comfortable in the situation. Mumbling and stumbling over your words can make you sound like you are not very sure of yourself, which may not be true, but that is how it will be received. This step can take a while to master, especially if you are a person that mumbles and talks quietly. But keep practising it and it will improve with time.

4.           Body posture is also important. When chatting with someone whilst on a chair or a sofa, make sure you sit up straight! Slouching does not give you much of a presence. Also try not to fidget in your seat or twitch your leg or foot too often. By doing any of the above, you are projecting an image of nervousness. Sitting up straight and not fidgeting too much will make you appear confident.

5.           Don’t be afraid to be the first person to say hello in an awkward situation. For example, if you walk into a room and it’s just you and another person, make sure you say hello and ask them a question – how are you doing? Mention the weather, anything. Just be the first to break the ice. The way someone responds to that greeting reflects on them and not on you. If that person is feeling nervous themselves, your confidence might help them to relax.

Follow those five points above and I assure you will appear confident, even if you do not feel it. This is the first step - why not try today? 

Head on to Step 2 if you are feeling ready to continue!

How to be Popular - Step 2: Understanding How People Think

Understanding How People Think

Always remember this next truth: People love to talk about themselves.

The vast majority of people really like to talk about themselves...a lot. This may seem a bit harsh and a bit unfair but it is very true. The truth is most people are not self-aware and do not realise that this is the case. I imagine most people have not sat down and thought to themselves ‘When I have a conversation with someone else, how often are my really listening to them and how often I am really thinking about how what this person is saying affects me?

We have all done it. A friend or a family member shares a fascinating story with you – like how they awkwardly bumped into an ex-partner on the train and was forced to have a civil but uncomfortable conversation with them until the next stop - and before they have even finished their story you have already thought about and remembered a time that something similar happened to you. You cannot wait for them to shut up and finish their story so you can tell them about it! We cannot help ourselves. In some ways, it is perfectly normal to think about how what someone is saying relates to our own lives and our tendency to want to respond by sharing a similar experience is a natural way of trying to relate to that person. But this little example confirms the fact that, for the most part, we are all generally self-centered people (entirely different to selfishness of course), even if we are not aware that we are.

This little bit of information is very useful and being aware of this fact can be very effective in making people like you. In fact, the rest of the steps are based around this notion. Understanding that people love to talk about themselves is your newest and most effective social tool to make people like you! So what can we practically do with this knowledge?

Practical Application:

Be a good listener! Simply allow people to share their stories with you and try to appear like you are interested even if what they are saying is really dull – it’s not dull to them. It is of course true that a person can feel particularly valued by a friend, or even an acquaintance, when they feel like they are being properly listened too and understood. When people begin to talk to you about themselves, do not interrupt them or think about how their story relates to something in your life. Simply listen and occasionally nod or acknowledge that you are still listening. Encourage them to continue and if you have heard what they have to say before – don’t tell them. Just act as though you are hearing what they are saying the first time.

Sometimes the temptation is very strong to interrupt – particularly if someone is showing you how to do something that you already know how to do. The urge to let them know, that you already know, is strong! Don’t! Instead let that person feel like they are showing you and teaching you. This is all about showing respect for a person – a great way to do that is through humbling yourself to hear their story, knowledge and/or advice.

So that's it! Step 2 done, give it a go this week and I can assure you, you will be more liked and more popular.

Ready for step 3?

How to be Popular - Step 3: Questions, Questions, Questions!

Questions, Questions, Questions!

Asking questions is the ultimate tool to making people like you. At every opportunity ask a question. If someone tells you something that has happened to them that day, ask them questions about it. Not just one question, keep on going until they run out of things to say. The reasons for doing this I have already mentioned – a. people like to talk about themselves and b. they feel valued when properly listened too!

  

I know this sounds really simple, but it genuinely makes a huge difference. Without wanting to patronise, here’s an example conversation.

Me: “Hey Dave, how’s things?”

Dave: “Oh not too bad James - thanks for asking. Jenny is in bed feeling a bit ill, but she’ll be fine.”

Me: “Jenny not feeling too well?”

Dave: “Oh she’s ok, just a bit of a cold I think. Went out for a nice walk yesterday but it was flipping cold.”

Me: “You go anywhere nice?”

Dave: “Yeah, we went to the beach. It was really nice to spend a bit of time together walking the dog.”

Me: “Yeah, absolutely. Well I hope Jenny feels better soon.”

Dave: “Thanks James, I’m sure she will. See you soon mate.”

As you can see from the example conversation, I only asked questions, nothing else – yet Dave would have felt very valued and pleased that someone actually took the time to ask about Jenny etc. It really is that simple. Asking loads of questions is a great way to being liked.

Simple! On to Step 4!

How to be Popular - Step 4: Do not talk about yourself too much

Do not talk about yourself too much

  

This leads on to the next point, and at first glance may appear to contradict what I have said previously. But on closer inspection, you will see how it ties in perfectly with the principles in previous posts.

  

Do not talk about yourself too much.

  

The reason for this may appear quite cynical but I think it is true to varying degrees, depending on the person that you are talking too. The reason that you should not talk about yourself too much is because the person you are talking too would probably be rather talking about themselves. Please do not hear what I am not saying – I am not saying that everyone is selfish and couldn't give two hoots about you or your life, that is obviously not true. But I do believe, and I see it in my everyday experience, that people generally are a lot happier to be the talker than the listener.

  

The more times you create an environment for people to talk at you rather then listen to you, the better. Again, this principle centres on making people feel valued and understood. Instead of talking about yourself, ask more and more questions.

Of course, I am also not saying that it is never good to talk about yourself. There are times when people, family & friends mostly, will be particularly interested in what’s going on in your life. But I am suggesting that your default in everyday life conversations should be as a ‘listener’.

Got it? Good. Step 5 then. 

How to be Popular - Step 5: Don’t be a moaner!

Don’t be a moaner!

 We all know a moaner. A person who always has something going wrong in their life and wants to tell everyone about it. A permanent pessimist who, for them, everything is a struggle and life is really tough. Having a conversation with a moaner can be really, really mentally draining. There is definitely a place for sharing, talking through and offloading your hardships, in fact, it is really healthy and important that you do find someone to do that with. But, this should probably be with a select few really close friends or family members, you should really avoid sharing your hardships with everyone. If someone asks you how you are doing, my advice would be to say that you are doing great and then ask them how they are and what they have been up to (remember, questions are king!).

  

People love to love a positive person. Someone who, when asked, is doing great and is really enjoying life. Positive people are really popular people and are universally well-liked because they do not mentally drain anyone.

Find an avenue to share your troubles and challenges, with everyone else – share the positivity. ‘I’m doing great thanks! How are things going for you?’

Step 6!

How to be Popular - Step 6: Laugh a lot

Laugh a lot

This ties in with the last point about positivity and with the ‘always smile’ mentality. Laughing is contagious and lifts spirits – but don’t overdo it!

Laughing, smiling and being positive is a great image to project – these types of people are always well liked.

On to Step 7 then!